In his right hand the man held a mirror.
Blood dripped from his sleeve to stain the boat’s deck. His beloved white beast, eyes closed and head tilted back to expose his throat, purpled lips slightly parted, lay cradled in his arms.
A cold breeze lightly ruffled the water’s surface, rocking two small boats.
Kotarou of the Fuuma, intently watching the man’s every movement, spoke: “This is what you want?”
“...”
“You have no regrets?”
“Let him...” Naoe trailed off, looking down in anguish at Takaya.
“...”
He closed his eyes tightly for a moment before speaking again, this time from a deep determination. “Let him go. Please.”
The normally cool, impassive Kotarou’s eyes widened.
He had expected the exact opposite response. He stared at Naoe for a long moment.
“I want you to release him from the mirror.”
“Naoe... You...”
“I can’t let him him die. I want him to live...”
“Do you know what you’re saying?”
Naoe’s haggard gaze was fixed on a distant point on the lake. He cradled both Takaya and the female Tsutsuga Mirror close.
“Save him,” Naoe repeated, a hoarse murmured plea. “Save him from this madman...let him go, please...”
Tears quietly slid from his eyes down the cold skin of his face.
“I don’t want him to die.”
“...”
“I’m begging you...”
“—Naoe...”
So this was Naoe’s final choice.
There was nothing but pure blankness in his head. There was no room for grief; he could only resign himself to this end—to his attachment to self, to his love for another. He could only prostrate himself before this deepest of truths.
Maybe it was no more than shallow desire. Perhaps he could be accused of foolish, base lust now that he had hope that Takaya might live. None of that mattered. This was his truth of truths—his final, inescapable, and unalterable truth:
(I want him to live...)
This is my final answer. Despite myself, despite the chains you place around me.
All hesitation gone, Naoe lifted the soul-sealing mirror still gripped in his right hand to face the male Tsutsuga Mirror held by the enormous dragon slowly undulating in midair, its golden eyes fixed on him unblinkingly—Kagetora’s father, Houjou Ujiyasu.
“Turn the mirror this way. Please,” Naoe begged.
He had obtained only one truth across the wide expanse of the four hundred years of his life, though it brought him nothing but pain. Though it contained all his unbearable agony. Not a vow, but an anguished and strangled moan, a confession to the gods: I love him.
“Save him.”
The female Tsutsuga Mirror glowed red in his hand, the air heating around it. Could it sense the presence of its male counterpart? The male Tsutsuga Mirror began to glow in turn, and an eerie cry echoed across the lake as if the mirrors were calling out to each other.
“Even if his soul is released, the man in your arms may not be resurrected,” Fuuma Kotarou warned him. “Can you accept that? There is little likelihood the soul will be able to return to its body. Can you take that risk? You will not regret your decision?”
Naoe shook his head hard as if to shake away his doubts.
He would be beyond Naoe’s reach forever—Naoe’s happiness spilled away, never to be regained. He was turning his back on the key to eternity...the Pure Lands itself.
(I want to live. I want to be with him...)
(I can’t... I can’t.)
He could not choose death. —Because he didn’t want his death? Or was it his own he could not bear? He didn’t know the answer. At the foundation of his final choice, he suspected, lay all his ugliness, and he did not wish to look upon it any longer.
“Let him go!” Naoe pleaded in anguish, his voice nearly a wail. “Please...”
The dragon-incarnation of Ujiyasu looked down at him with unwavering attention. And perhaps the dragon accepted those words spoken so like a prayer from the man holding his son in his arms, for he held the male Tsutsuga Mirror towards Naoe.
Naoe raised the female Tsutsuga Mirror.
The eerie cry of the two tsutsuga reverberated to the lake shore as if the myriad spirits inhabiting Lake Ashi
were lifting their voices in beautiful song.
The red glow emanating from the two Tsutsuga Mirrors gradually overlapped as each reflected the other’s surface, before it became a straight beam of crimson light connecting each to the other.
!
A dazzling flash enveloped everything around them.
A fierce energy swelled from the female Tsutsuga Mirror.
“What...!”
The lake heaved, and gigantic waves battered the boat. A storm whirled around them as power of enormous strength pulled at the female Tsutsuga Mirror in Naoe’s hand. He strained against it, holding onto the mirror with all his might.
“Aaaaagh!”
Suddenly the mirror quivered in his hand, and Naoe’s eyes grew wide at the sensation of it exhaling.
Fuuma Kotarou’s arm came up in a precise motion. Rapid explosions punctured the air.
“Augh!”
A bullet pierced Naoe’s right hand with sharp burning pain, and the female Tsutsuga Mirror tumbled to the boat deck. Instantly the lake behind him surged upward, and a tsutsuga dropped soundlessly into the boat.
“What...!”
The tsutsuga picked the Tsutsuga Mirror up in its mouth and sprang back into the lake before the startled Naoe could react.
“Wait...! You...!”
His «nenpa» stuck Kotarou’s «goshinha» a split-second later and dissipated harmlessly. Feet kicking up waves on the water’s surface, the tsutsuga raced back to its master.
“You bastard...!”
“As promised, I’ve lent you the mirror!” Kotarou called, gun still trained on Naoe. “All that’s left is to kill you!”
“...”
Kotarou pulled the trigger in rapid succession, and the sound of gunfire reverberated across the lake. Naoe instantly shielded himself with a «goshinheki». Repelled, the bullets arced away and fell by twos and threes into the water. A fierce wind rumbled and swelled, and the boat tilted dangerously in the surging waves.
“Guh...!”
Naoe clung tightly to Takaya’s body in an effort to shelter him from the spray. Eyes slitted, he looked over his shoulder to see an enormous tornado drawing a vast amount of water swirling into the sky. The dragon had already disappeared into its eye.
“Lord Ujiyasu...!”
Roiling mist and stinging spray from the waterfall flowing up into the sky turned his entire field of vision white. The dragon trumpeted and plunged back into the lake. Naoe held on desperately as the boat tossed about like a leaf on the violent waves, helpless to do anything but attempt to weather the fury.
By the time the tornado abated and the waves gradually settled, more than ten minutes had passed. The mist thinned enough to finally allow the world to filter back in.
“...”
The whirlpool had calmed. At the spot where a dragon had been a moment ago, only gigantic ripples spreading into the distance remained. Kotarou’s small craft was nowhere in sight. Had it capsized? —Unlikely, given the man in question.
Swamped by the waves, Naoe was soaked from head to toe. Water ran in rivulets from his hair and his clothes to collect in the growing pool in the boat.
There was no change in the condition of the man in his arms, and fear raced through him. “Takaya-san...” he cried, patting his cheeks. “Takaya-san...? Takaya-san!”
Takaya’s cold face remained still as death. A man possessed, Naoe shook Takaya and clapped his cheeks again. “Takaya-san! Open your eyes! Please, Takaya-san! Takaya-san!”
The body was already dead; resurrection had never been a possibility. His entreaties for divine aid had never amounted to anything beyond gratifying his own peace of mind. Even if Naoe had been able to retrieve his soul from the Tsutsuga Mirror, there had never been a chance of Takaya’s stiff eyelids opening again, of his body breaking from its stillness and his colorless skin regaining the warmth of life.
It had all been for naught. Takaya was not coming back to life. He was too late. Was there nothing left but eternal regret?
“Wake up! Breathe!” he screamed, the words scraping past his throat like shattered glass. “Come back to me!”
He gripped Takaya’s arms with all his might.
“Takaya-san!” Naoe’s bloodshot eyes abruptly flew wide open as Takaya’s brows twitched in an infinitesimal motion.
His faintly parted lips quivered. Then a sound came out of his throat, and he sucked in a breath before frantically gasping in huge lungfuls of air as if he had been starved of oxygen.
“Takaya...san...”
There in his arms Takaya began breathing on his own. His brows were furrowed as if in pain, but color was finally returning to his face. His eyelids twitched before he opened his eyes at last.
The blurred world gradually came into focus. His eyes, alive and brilliant as ever, fixed on Naoe’s face.
“... Nao...e...”
Those exquisite tiger’s eyes, more limpid than any jewel, gazed into his own. His chest ached at their beauty, and tears slid again down his face—the face of a sinner.
“...”
Takaya slowly raised his hand, his fingers touching the trails of Naoe’s tears with wonder. Then it went to his mouth as he pushed the strange object within out with the tip of his tongue.
A small pearl lay in his hand: a luminescent summoning of the Dainichi Buddha. Surely the Buddha’s protection alone had preserved his body when it had ceased all function.
“Naoe...”
Unable to meet Takaya’s gaze, silent tears continued to spill out of Naoe’s downcast eyes. Did Takaya know that Naoe’s choice had determined no less than his life or death? Was he pretending not to know? Takaya still looked dazed.
Naoe was incapable of saying even his name.
Takaya’s drenched kimono had slipped open, leaving most of his torso bare. Naoe pulled him into a tight embrace, and warmth slid through the chill wetness into him. He could hear Naoe’s heartbeat.
He sank slowly down to the deck, holding Naoe wordlessly close, not moving away. His lips parted slightly. “You kept trust with me...”
“...”
“You said that the next time I opened my eyes, you would be at my side.”
Naoe’s wet fingers covered Takaya’s lips as if to stop his next words. The white beast’s brows drew together slightly as the man buried his face in the nape of his neck, but he shut his eyes tightly as if in sufferance. The man laid his cheek against the beast’s hand and touched his lips to the beast’s throat as it vibrated with a soft moan.
“Naoe,” Takaya murmured, voice low, “...thank you.”
His gratitude was beyond Naoe’s bearing. He pressed cold lips against Takaya’s as if to absorb those words straight from the source, tears continuing to flow unimpeded down his face. Takaya withstood the kiss in anguish as blood mixed with droplets of water on his face and rolled down his cheeks like tears.
Serenity returned to the lake at last as mist covered its azure surface once more...
An hour later the deep fog over Lake Ashi had cleared, revealing the cloudless blue sky and lovely mountain range reflected within its mirror-clear surface. The sun shone down brilliantly, drying them quickly despite their soaked state.
Takaya directed them toward the wharf near the Nine-Headed Dragon Shrine. As he steered the small motor boat, Naoe realized that his wounds, though just a short time ago serious enough to incapacitate him, were nearly healed.
(How did that happen...?) he wondered, quietly dubious.
“...”
Takaya, standing at his side as he had the entire way from the center of the lake, suddenly spoke: “The tears of a dragon are contained in the water of Lake Ashi. That is what makes it holy. Or so Grand-Uncle said.”
Naoe, staring at Takaya’s profile, forgot to respond. The tiger’s eyes were fixed with intense resolution on the way ahead.
And then he seemed to abruptly return to himself. He turned toward Naoe.
“What I said just now, I—”
“...”
Takaya fell silent at the cold, cold expression on Naoe’s face, the by-now familiar unease chilling him again. What did Naoe think of him when he slipped, as he did from time to time, unconsciously into his past self like this? He could not tell.
They glided the motorboat in and stepped off onto the decrepit old wood-framed wharf near Hakone-en, heading for the Nine-Headed Dragon Shrine.
The corpse of a man lay on shrine grounds at the end of a trail of blood.
He was no longer capable of giving alarm at their sudden appearance.
“..”
Takaya’s composure remained undisturbed before the tragic sight as he and Naoe stopped before it. He only gazed at it with solemn attention, studying it carefully, much as a police officer might.
Then he whirled and retrod the shrine path back to the shore until he came to the edge of the water.
Something flashed about a meter in. Still barefoot, Takaya stepped into the water and picked up the submerged object.
It was the hand mirror he had given to Tooyama, its shape still intact though cracked along its entire length by its ingestion of a tsutsuga. Takaya folded his hand around it. He asked without turning, “Was it ‘Kagetora’ you came to save?”
Standing at the water’s edge, gazing at the curve of Takaya’s back covered by his white kimono, Naoe’s eyebrows twitched.
“It was ‘Kagetora’ you came here to save, wasn’t it?”
Naoe made no response, and the silence stretched. Unable to bear it, Takaya was the one to break it at last: “You came here because you wanted to save ‘Kagetora,’ didn’t you? You didn’t come here for ‘Ougi Takaya’!”
Naoe replied calmly, “I came here to save you.”
“Not me. ‘Kagetora!’”
“You.”
“But you mean Kagetora!”
Takaya spun to face him. He was deadly serious, and Naoe knew without question that this was rage from the heart. Now that they were together again, all of the resentment, hurt, and anger Takaya had borne towards him since that day they had parted in Toyama—no, even before then—had been rekindled.
“You would never protect me if I were ‘Ougi Takaya.’ You don’t know anything about me...”
“...”
“I don’t need such transparent ‘kindness’ from you.”
Naoe’s heart cracked a little, and pain shuddered through it.
He allowed none of it to appear on his face. A loyal man and true would be able to listen to Takaya’s words with cool composure, even if it had to be feigned. Shutting his eyes, Naoe repeated, “I protect you—”
Takaya shook his head again and again, eyes closing as well as if to hold back his agitation. “Not ‘Takaya.’”
You."
“Don’t! Stop pushing the pain Kagetora caused you on me!”
A cruel light sparked in Naoe’s eyes: a blaze of fury. “Is this how you would run from me again?”
“I’m not the one running away. You see me as nothing but a substitute. Someone who can accept things that Kagetora never could!” Takaya shouted back.
“...”
“You’re a coward. A calculating, manipulative coward. How convenient for you that ‘Ougi Takaya’ doesn’t have his memories! You can dump everything on me, and pretend that ‘Ougi Takaya’ is important to you when in reality ‘Takaya’ means nothing to you...!”
The lake breeze ruffled Takaya’s hair. Waves lapped at Naoe’s feet. Finally Takaya lifted his face and regarded Naoe with a semblance of calm. “You...were you...in love with Kagetora?”
A frozen silence enveloped them both.
Naoe’s expression didn’t change. Takaya met his cold eyes with a cool, clear gaze of his own, refusing to let them drop.
“You must have known.”
“...”
“Known that I never stopped thinking about you. You knew how you threatened me, how much I came to hate and envy you. You’ve known all of it, everything I felt about you—even before I raped Minako.”
Takaya swallowed hard, fear flashing through him at Minako’s name—that name he called out endlessly in his dreams. Yet he knew nothing about her.
“Minako...who was Minako?”
“...”
“What did you...”
“You already know everything, don’t you? You were the one to put me on that path. Raping Minako to take her from you, all of it—you anticipated everything, devised it, trapped me with it.”
Takaya faltered at the vicious, horrifying words before mustering his courage to respond.
“What would you have ‘Takaya’ do? Even if Kagetora were the kind of person you described, ‘Takaya’ has done nothing to you.”
“Not true.” Naoe focused sharply on Takaya. “Whoever you are, my heart knows you, knows the depths of your sins. You did those things. Whether you choose to call yourself ‘Uesugi Kagetora’ or ‘Ougi Takaya’ or some other name... It is your soul that rules all of me. It threatens me, torments me. As you leave me no escape, neither do you have that right.”
“I...don’t...understand you... Why would Kagetora have to threaten you? You’re not Kagetora’s enemy. You’re closer to him than anyone. Aren’t you his loyal vassal? His finest subordinate?”
“I am his loyal vassal. Your obedient retainer. But before that...”
“...”
“I am a man...a human being.”
Takaya stiffened slightly. Naoe continued coolly, “So you should not keep pushing me. I am a man who craves conquest and subjugation of my betters. A foolish aspiration, but one I am incapable of abandoning.”
“...”
“I may be closest to you, but I am also your harshest critic. You are too close to perfection, too near my ideal. All my many defects and deformities are exposed to you. I am threatened by your very existence. Yet I want to triumph over you.”
“Naoe...”
“I...love you.” Naoe told him expressionlessly, emotionlessly. “I love you.”
“Just...” How did anyone respond to those mechanical words spoken with such detachment? “Just tell me what you want me to do!”
“You don’t have to do anything.”
“But...”
The reasons behind Naoe’s dispassionate declaration of love were beyond Takaya’s comprehension. He understood only that they were a mere imitation of true emotion. Did they hold any truth at all? Or did they mean something else altogether? How could he tell?
“What do you think I am?” Takaya asked in misery, wrenched every which way by the dissonance between Naoe’s words and actions, frustration and bitterness bringing him to the edge of tears. “I haven’t done anything...”
“...”
“I don’t have the power to remove your pain—I never did. I can’t do anything for you...”
“Then,” Naoe asked quietly, “would you sleep in my arms?”
“...!” Takaya’s shoulders trembled in sudden fear.
“Would you take me into you as a woman might?”
“You—”
“There is nothing you can do for me but allow yourself to be used to remove my pain for an hour. Would you consent to being pinned down, to taking me in to the root as you writhe in ecstasy beneath me?”
Takaya froze in place, a cold shudder running down his spine. His wide eyes were filled with horror. “You...want...”
“...” Naoe gazed impassively at Takaya’s pale face. “Why offer what you could never give?” His eyes narrowed. “You won’t even allow yourself to be the means by which I can forget my pain. You thought you could save me...? Don’t make me laugh. Your arrogance really knows no bounds, does it?”
“That’s not...”
“I hope for nothing from you. You would never risk yourself for me—never sacrifice yourself, never let yourself be worn and whittled away... In your heart of hearts, you hold yourself dearer than anyone or anything.”
Takaya shook his head over and over, wordlessly denying Naoe’s accusations.
“Would you prove me wrong? Then tell me you could do it...”
“...”
“You see?”
Takaya trembled in frustration at his inability to find the words for a rebuttal. He longed for an arrow-edged retort to thrust into this cruel man, this coward who could utter with such coldness that he hoped for nothing from Takaya.
But what could Takaya say that he would accept? For part of what Naoe had stated was entirely true: the notion of giving his body to another man was terrifying. Unthinkable. No matter how much he trusted that person—no, the more so if it were someone he trusted to that extent. The idea of it held nothing but fear. How could someone he trusted so purely harbor such perverse lust for him? The thought horrified him.
Naoe had predicted Takaya’s response, had always known that he would be rejected. He looked at Takaya now with resigned, expressionless eyes.
And it hurt. How could he not want to ease the pain of the one who protected him? Yet he could not give Naoe what he wanted. Naoe’s despair cut into Takaya, razor-sharp; frustration and regret overwhelmed him.
“Why are you crying?” Naoe asked quietly, and Takaya noticed the tears slipping down his face for the first time. “Do you pity me?”
“...No...”
“Do you pity yourself, then?”
Takaya bit his lip hard, shaking. His glare pierced Naoe like a lance. He muttered, strangled, “The one you want to hold in your arms is not me.”
“Takaya-san...”
“It’s Kagetora you want!” he spat, and stalked toward the wharf.
Naoe gazed silently after him.
Takaya hugged himself as if he were cold.
He didn’t look back.
Comments
omg Naoe, you're such a cruel
omg Naoe, you're such a cruel asshole! I understand where his frustration is coming from, but it's not right to dump this all on poor Takaya who still doesn't have his memories.
Thank you so much for continuing to translate <3
Hah! On the other hand...
I totally felt the same while watching the anime--"come on, Naoe, in four hundred years you never figured out the relative efficacy of vinegar vs honey in a come-hither??" But I think the anime also leans more heavily on Takaya's point of view because he's easier to sympathize with and relate to. On the other hand, the novels have already implied that Naoe's paranoia when it comes to Kagetora's subtlety and ability to manipulate is not unfounded, and in fact may be more or less on the spot. So this time around, I can see Naoe's response as a "I just gave up the greatest happiness I can conceive of, and you're still jerking me around. I do NOT want to play your game anymore."
MofB#8
so happy to see your continuation of translations for Mirage of Blaze. I've also very much enjoyed your translations for Kyo Kara Maoh!. and I look forward to continuations of both series.
jazzy2may
This chapter left me
This chapter left me speechless, I love it <3
Thank youuuuuuuuuuuuu Asphodel for the translation :)
Thank you!
Thank you once again for a very nice translation! I think your writing is pleasant to read.
One detail that I liked a lot was Naoe wondering if his choice to release Kagetora from the mirror actually had to do with preserving his own life, as much as he would have liked to say it was to save Takaya's. Things like these really give depth to the characters and make them feel human.
Lately I've been thinking a lot about the events of the Showa period due to the stage plays, and from that background it's even more interesting than before to see how they act here in the main storyline. Kagetora has most definitely not treated Naoe all that well through the years, so it's not any wonder Naoe is not so empathetic here. As you said, he must be very tired with what he sees as Kagetora's games.
As for Kagetora, after the stage plays I wonder - how much of all this "you want Kagetora and not me" is him genuinely not remembering and identifying as Kagetora, and how much some deeper insecurity rising from his soul and the need to test Naoe's connection to him. Even in Showa period Kagetora implied Naoe couldn't respect his deeper needs and kept pushing him away until Naoe grew really forceful to the point of violence.
Looking forward to the next chapter as well!
Yes, I completely agree that
Yes, I completely agree that Naoe tormenting himself over his reasons for saving Kagetora is so totally in character--in fact, characterizations in Mirage are, by and large, superb. (I'd argue about Ujimasa, but only in comparison to his historical counterpart. Also, why does he get the short shrift when Narimasa scores so much sympathy? *grumble grumble*)
It's amazing how many new layers we keep discovering in the novels, isn't it? Yes, it seems fairly established at this point that Kagetora has treated Naoe rather badly over the years. On the other hand, he has always, always been betrayed by those closest to him. (Yes, I'd say even by Kenshin, who could have made things so much better for his adopted sons by just leaving a will.) Kagetora is probably convinced that Naoe will betray him the moment he lets Naoe in, as has happened every time before. Not to mention the whole mess of Naoe being a fervent supporter of Kagekatsu. I wonder if Takaya thinking he's a substitute for Kagetora has roots in Kagetora thinking he's a substitute for Kagekatsu? It's a mind-fuck all the way down--no wonder they haven't managed to untangle it even after four hundred years.
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